7 Days left to "sort myself out"

So as you know I had a week (well just over a week) sick note given to me on Thursday for work related stress.

I went to the doctors because my face had swollen to twice the size it usually is, I was really ill, dizzy all the time and WANTED TO GET BETTER TO GO TO WORK! I felt bad letting people down, especially as this week I was meant to be doing 5 days whereas everyone else was doing 4 because of the bank holiday. I felt terrible having to have my two days off last week and wanted to be fighting fit for this week.

My doctor said I wasn't ill I was stressed and run down and needed the time off before I had a complete breakdown or ended up in the hospital after working myself to a breaking point.

Mentally I'm not the healthiest person, and people at work should know that other than my assistant manager who has only been in the job since April. I let stupid shit get on top of me, I feel like I let people down when I have to cancel on them in any shape or form... Retail might not be the best sector for me but I've done a damn good job for nearly 4 freakin' years now!

Since Tragic (our old assistant manager) left in February the over time has been non-stop! Because our supervisor only wants to do four days (which is fair enough) I get piled with quite a bit of over time myself. Now usually I don't whine, if I do its because I want a little more or fairer hours when I am doing it, but these last few weeks have been so stressful they've felt like months instead of weeks.

Every week there is something different. At first our area manager made our warehouse unsafe and unworkable and yet I was being sent in there to do normal work AND warehouse work (that I'm technically not meant to do) and I just did it. Then EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD was our fault not his fault (typical management) which meant our manager who had been on holiday for two weeks walked out.

I ran myself ragged trying to help, and yeah I had to cancel the odd day here and there because I'd done too much, but I never signed up to do two people's work, which is what we've all had to do because our part time warehouse man hasn't done anything. I've made doctors appointments and cancelled them to help at work, meaning my health went from borderline to the point my doctor was close to sending me to the hospital over the weekend because he was so worried about me.

Now I just feel I'm getting snide comments and probably people talking behind my back.

The doctor and nurse said it is so common in people my age in retail to need time away from it all, mainly because we haven't got the benefit of hindsight. We worry because we think it is the end of the world if we lose our job, whereas most of the people putting pressure on us or who would whisper about "why do they need time off for stress" have forgotten how stressful it is. It got to me more than others maybe because I don't stand on the same ground, being a recovering recluse my comfort zone is on here, tucked away in my bedroom on my computer.

I don't know why I've become so bad I need to be off on sick, I don't know why the stress got to me and no one else other than our manager. I know it was no where near as bad as what happened to her BUT I DIDN'T GO LOOKING FOR A SICK NOTE AND DIDN'T THINK I WAS TOO STRESSED TO WORK!

Why do I look like I'm shouting that point out?

Because I'm almost certain that someone is being snide about me online.

I wasn't too sure to begin with but even if they aren't it has got to me!

I couldn't even fucking SEE properly yesterday, my eyesight went for half the damn day. Do you know how scary that is? Especially to someone who only finds happiness in books and online?! I burst into tears every 10 minutes, I'm trying to act normally but I feel like if anyone other than my family talk to me I might just break down. And yet I feel like I'm the bad guy!

I'm trying not to but every time I think about going back it drives me over the edge, I've had two panic attacks today thinking about going back to work.

The stupid thing is I'm thinking about it because I want to go back! I love my job (to a point) and I don't want to be at home all the time. I want to work, I want to help when they need it most. I hate being ill and I hate being so weak.

All my friends have told me to delete my work colleague because it won't help me get better, in fact its put me one step behind where I was. How is that going to help? I work in a place with only 5 members of staff (including me and my manager, my manager still has like two weeks after I come back on sick so that is only 4 for two weeks if she even comes back!) deleting her off of Facebook will make everything more awkward. The same with Twitter. She might not even be talking about me!

So my sick note runs out on the 2nd, that is 7 days to get better.

I also have to, before next Monday, get in touch with my assistant manager to find out when I'm coming back.

I understand why I need a week off, I really do understand that, but this whole "take a week away, you'll look at the situation differently and you'll be able to return in a better place then you left" just isn't going to work. ESPECIALLY as I didn't leave because I was stressed. I'm now stressed that people think I've gone to the doctors and got a week off because I'm lazy/mentally unstable.

Why can't life be simple?!